17 weeks

I was 17 weeks pregnant.

My pregnancy was going well.....aside from a blood clot.  At my 6 week ultrasound, the baby looked great...

...at 8 weeks, the baby looked great...

...and at 12 weeks, the baby looked perfect, heartbeat was strong.

A few weeks later, we found out through a bloodtest that the baby was a boy, and we decided to name him Chase Jaxon, in honor of the baby boy we lost in June. I bought a doppler, so I could hear his heartbeat at home. I was super paranoid, and kept the pregnancy hidden from most, aside from close family and friends. Doctors assured me not to be paranoid, to enjoy the pregnancy. On November 1st, I was unable to find the heartbeat at home......they brought me in for an ultrasound, and it was confirmed, Chase's heart had stopped beating. The morning of November 2nd, I was sent to a hospital in Boston, to be induced. I delivered Chase Jaxon at 11:02pm.

He was perfect....10 perfect toes, 10 perfect little fingers.

So tiny. After delivery, and holding Chase, saying my goodbyes to him, I was brought in to surgery....where I lost a lot of blood, needing a transfusion. I spent 3 days in the hospital....3 days of grieving. I am thankful that I have a great doctor now, one who will not stop running tests until she finds the answers as to WHY this happened. On December 5th, I will meet with her....and she will have the results from all of the tests. 

Until then....these guys right here....

...they give me purpose...they keep me going. They make me get up in the morning, they make me smile when I want to cry....and I appreciate them so very much. I am healing. 
 My heart hurts....my body hurts...and I am trying to understand how and why this happened....again. 

BUT...I am healing.